Walking into the unknown

I have been on a retreat with my Northwest Passage group for the last two days. Yesterday we did a ropes course that left me frustrated and doubting my physical abilities. I couldn't complete tasks that involved balance and visual impairments.

At one point I ended up in tears. Mad that my body wasn't cooperating with my brain. Frustrated that I seemed inadequate. Disappointed that I couldn't complete the task at hand. And most of all, scared that all of it was out of my control and terrified that this was only the beginning of what is to come.

Today we went rock climbing. Based on yesterdays experience, I was prepared for failure. But on the way there, I decided that I had to try. If I live my life in fear of what I can not do, the MS has already beaten me. If I try and things don't go according to plan, at least I know where my limitations lie. And just because things don't go well today, doesn't mean that they won't go better tomorrow.

So we hiked up to the top of Horse Thief Butte, just east of Dallesport, WA and prepared to repel down a rock cliff about 150 feet up. After we harnessed in, we called for belay on and walked backwards to the edge, putting all of our weight against the rope that was tied into the rock. Then, one step at a time, we began to walk backwards off the cliff face until we were fully supported by the harness and the rope. Dangling out over the open space and looking to the west at the snow covered face of Mt. Hood.

On the way down my hands went completely numb and I grew more exhausted with every step. But I made it! I made it all the way to the bottom, without having to stop and turn my decent over to my partner on belay. When I got there I collapsed into a quivering pile of jello. My right hand tremoring and cramping into a claw for about 30 minutes.

Yes, the tremor and the claw hand are embarrassing. The fact that I walked around tripping over grass and dust piles for about an hour after my decent is too. But I didn't care. I did it! I tried something I didn't think I could do. I pushed myself and worked up to my limits. Yes there was a trade off of being exhausted. I decided that I wasn't up to climbing anything in the afternoon. But I repelled. Right off the face of a cliff and into the unknown. And I am so glad that I did!